Bharat and India

This is what could happen to a well-meaning Indian in the United States. The entire thing is a figment of my imagination but it could happen.

Our friend let’s call him X enters a Wal-Mart. He is a window shopper (not a serious shopper just wiling away his time). He wants a particular item and asks for the stores assistant’s help. The guy next to him gives X a strange look and says “oh you want the stores clerk, is it, wait for some time please he is taking a rest room break”

X blows a fuse “what do you mean, he is taking rest, and what is Wal-Mart paying him for, for taking rest! Aha” he exclaims. Bharat does not know that rest room is not the place for taking rest. Rest room is the name for the very popular Indian word Toilet.

Next X goes to the vegetable sections and enquires about Ladies finger. The stores clerk gives him a puzzled look and says “this is the vegetable section sir, meat section on the other side please” And all the time she was hiding her immaculately manicured hands as if she was afraid that Bharat was going to bite them off. Defeated and utterly disappointed Bharat asks for “curd”. “What is curd” is the reply. “Oh curd is milk after some buttermilk is added to it and milk takes rest for the entire night. Next morning milk turns into curd”. The stores clerk takes off. She could not bear this funny Indian guy.

Left to himself, Bharat finds an Indian who guides him to Curds – Yoghurt. “What a funny name” Bharat says to himself “why is it called Yoghurt after Yoga is it and why is yoga hurt. May be because people feel hurt after doing Yoga and curds gives them energy. That is why curd is called Yoghurt in USA”.

At the billing counter the billing clerk says “is everything okay with you sir” Bharat slowly nods his head left to right, left to right “oh what is the problem”. “No Problem” says Bharat and nods his head again left to right, left to right. There is a cultural issue here. Indians nod their nod in s semicircular fashion  to say yes. Bharat was all the time saying yes there is no problem and the billing clerk was taking it as a no which is a vigorous head shake which is a no in western countries.

Exasperated and furious the billing clerk says “sir here is your check” “Oh” exclaims Bharat “you are giving me a cheque, what for?” With clenched teeth the billing clerk says “For the items, you bought Sir”. “but why” says the bewildered Bharat “you should give me a bill why are you giving me a cheque”. An Indian living in USA intervenes and explains to Bharat that check means a bill and that the billing clerk was not giving Bharat money for shopping at Wal-Mart.

Next day Bharat goes to a grocery store and says “I want some rubbers please”. ‘Rubbers? I don’t sell rubbers, you have to go to a chemist” says the store clerk. “But I see rubbers here” says a surprised Bharat. “Oh those are not rubbers they are erasers” says the stores clerk. Rubbers in USA mean condoms and not erasers.

Crushed and defeated Bharat slumps into his bus seat. His friendly neighbor enquires’ “Indian?’ he says “where from?” “Hyderabad” says Bharat “I passed out from OU” “passed out, why where you sick” says the anguished American. “These Americans” muttered Bharat “they all talk non sense. Why should I be sick if I pass out from Osmania”? Passing out my dear Bharat means fainting in US and what you should have said is graduated from Osmania University.

Seeing Obama’s picture on the newspaper Bharat perks up “oh Obama, I love him” “We love him too, he is running for the President for the second time”. “my my why should he be running. As a president I am sure he can afford to go around in a car’ says Bharat. Giving him a strange look the American withdraws and makes no further comments. Running for the President my dear Bharat means standing/contesting for the presidency and does not mean running in the literal sense.

The day after Bharat goes to a automotive shop and says “I want a silencer for my motorbike” “We don’t sell silencers here. You will have to go the shops that sell guns” replies the shop keeper. Silencer? Bharat you should have said a muffler.

Bharat’s irritation reaches a new peak at the apartment rental agency. Bharat says “I want to rent a flat”. “Why do you want to rent a flat, why dong you buy a pair of them” says the surprised rental agency agent. “I am a poor man. I can’t even afford to pay the rent of a flat and you are asking me to buy a pair of them” retorts a angry Bharat. “I am not asking you to buy, your wife should buy a pair of flats and wear them. You can get them at a shoe shop”. It slowly dawns on Bharat that the rental agent is talking about flats (flat shoes without heels) and all the time he (Bharat) was enquiring about an apartment for hire.

Bharat lands up at the travel agency “He enquires what would be the fare for a return ticket to Hyderabad and back cost” he enquires “of sir, do you want a round trip” enquires the booking clerk. “Oh no not a round trip, only till Hyderabad and back, how much will it cost?” Luckily for Bharat the booking clerk had dealt with Indians before. He explains to Bharat that round trip and return mean the same and gives the information that Bharat wants.

 In USA cricket is not a game it is an insect. Z is not Z it becomes Zee, Poem is not Poem it becomes Pome and many other subtle variations have to be mastered to succeed. So if you want to avoid similar embarrassing experiences like the ones faced by Bharat, I would suggest that you go through the posts and acquaint yourself with American English and live a happy life in the USA.