Hyderabadi Es-style - English

Hyderabad is a city where predominantly Telugu and Urdu are mostly spoken but strangely there is a fascination for using English. This leads to many funny situations. Some of them are listed. 

An apartment block had a tenth pass watchman. The apartment block was being harassed by unwanted salesmen. The apartment owners asked the English educated watchman to put up a notice. He put up a notice “No Sales, Men allowed”.  He was severely reprimanded and finally he corrected the sign as “Salesmen not allowed”. A disgruntled Salesman rubbed some of the letters off selectively to make the sign read “Salesmen loved”

Most hospitals have many sisters (nurses as they are popularly called in India). They sometimes fill up the preliminary case sheet. One sister made this report “Patient has one small son at home. So she wants to remove her stomach”. On enquiry the real story come out. The patient had a small baby at home. She was pregnant and wanted to abort the baby as she feared that she could not manage two kids. She wanted an abortion. An abortion was reported as removing of stomach aka stomach stapling a completely different procedure for a completely different ailment.

Another sister made out this gem” Patient complaining of pain. Wants an abortion. Mother-in-law can’t see”. The doctor asked the nurse “I can understand the patient’s problem. But why don’t we refer the Mother-in-law to an Ophthalmologist?” The nurse sheepishly answered “Nahi doctor madam, the mother-in-law can’t bear seeing the pain of her daughter-in-law. There is nothing wrong with her eyes”

A small sugar cane juice seller put up a sign. Amitabh – 5 rupees and Jaya Bhaduri – Rs 2.50. What he meant was big glass – 5 rupees and small glass – Rs 2.50. For the uninitiated Amitabh Bachaan the superstar of India is very tall and his wife Jaya Bhaduri also an actor – is small and petite.  

Small time motor cycle mechanics in Hyderabad would be seen shouting “Areh Chotu bring me the 2-3 panna”. Panna? Panna is the Hyderabadi word for Spanner.

As a child I remember going to a stationery shop and asking for a sharpener. The shop keeper was puzzled. Luckily for me I could spot a sharpener and pointed it out to him. He said “Aare babu woh tho Chakmaar hai – (translated it means – that is a Chakmaar)” and gave me a Hyderabadi sharpener (Chakmaar)

My mother’s friend was taking a new type of medication. My mother enquired “is it Homeopathy that you are taking?” Her friend promptly said “No Hemalatha garu not Homeopathy, I am taking Ompathy” (Ompathy – Oh my god! What a name for Homeopathy).

A newly minted doctor asked for a new sign. What the sign maker gave him almost killed him. The sigh said “Dr So and So The Rapist”. The doctor was a Therapist!

Children in Hyderabad play a hide and seek game where the catcher sings out “Iceboy” when he sees a hidden friend. “Iceboy" is the Hyderabadi equivalent for the game "I saw a boy”.

The common way of talking to each other in Hyderabad would be to say “I say you” and “what say you” This is what the Queen ’s English has become in Hyderabad. (I told you and you told me for the grammatically inclined readers).

One of my BIFAAS student from second shift Mr. Bharat came out with an interesting word of his own. He said that the popular word for eraser was lubber (rubber). Very funny.

Also it is quite common to hear customers shouting out “I need a chilling cold drink” in a hotel. What the customer wants is a chilled cold drink. Chilling is a process and chilled is the end result!

Hyderabad is known for its big mandis (huge whole sale markets). Fruit sellers sell fruits in small hundreds and big hundreds. A small hundred (chinna Vanda) is 96 mangoes like in the case of a hundred page note book and big hundred (peddha Vanda) is 192 mangoes like in the case of a 200 page note book.

Similarly a baker’s dozen is not 12 it is 13. In the by gone era when a customer buys a dozen loaves of bread one loaf of bread is given extra as a bonus. Very confusing.

Many of the TV anchors and experts are seen saying “Both of you all danced very well” – Both of you should be used and not both of you all. 

Correct Business Language

A marketing person is known for his dress and address. A marketer needs to watch what he says and how he says it. “It is not what you say; it is how you say that matters”. Words are like bullets. Once fired they can’t be retrieved. They linger in the air and keep spoiling the entire surroundings, like smog, easy to create and almost next to impossible to eradicate.

One needs to be very careful about correct language to be used. One needs to use politically correct language. Caste, creed, language, religion, region should be not used to made fun of some unfortunate victim.

Burn instead of copy: This is the terminology of the USA. Burn is to copy. When your boss says burn the document, he means take a copy of the document.

Let’s get the ball rolling: As the author experienced in Africa “let’s get the ball rolling” in a class room in Bahirdar in Ethiopia made the students look for a football in the classroom! It is better to say “shall we start the class?”

Steps to be taken: Steps to be taken will be taken literally as steps as in a staircase. It is better to say measures or action to be taken.

Housewife: Very sexist and gender specific. If a lady who stays and manages a house is called a housewife, what should we call a man who does a similar job, a house husband? It is better to call man/women who stay at home a home maker. It is gender neutral and non sexist.

History: Should only the story of HIS (men) be documented. What about HER (women) story. Same is the case with Bachelor of Arts, science and commerce. Why not spinster of arts, science and arts?

Chairman: Now- a-days this is being taken care of. It is very common to say Chairperson.

Afro-Americans: Calling a colored person Negro, Nigger or black can lead to bad blood and fisticuffs in the western world. The correct name would be Afro Americans - Americans of African origin. Calling a person a monkey in India is harmless. But the same  could lead to serious trouble in many countries. This truth was driven home strongly in the case of Harbhajan Singh Vs Andrew Symonds. Symonds took the word monkey as a serious racial slur. Harbhajan escaped serious punishment with the skin of his teeth.

Fat: being fat is a serious health condition. Calling them big, large, obese, fatso, double bread and similar names can lead to lots of complications including loss of self esteem and self confidence. It is better to refer being fat as being horizontally challenged.

Short: Similarly no one wants to be short. Every one of us wants to be tall, dark and handsome. But some of us are born short. Instead of ridiculing them by calling them short, shotgun, “hi down there”, it is better to address short people as vertically challenged people.

Blind: Similarly only the blind know the travails of a person who can’t see. Instead of sympathizing with them we call them blind, sightless, etc. It is better to address them as visually challenged people.

Physically handicapped: Physically handicapped people are usually made fun of or simply ignored. Instead why don’t we see them as normal people but they are challenged – physically challenged. What a beautiful way of saying things! They are normal but live a challenging life. What is normal for you and me is a big challenge for them. So next time you see a physically challenged person mentally salute the spirit which refuses to take no for an answer.

Mentally handicapped: Similar is the case with mentally handicapped people. Instead of refering them as nuts, madcaps, pagal etc we can refer to them as mentally challenged people. It is even better to call them special people. God created them that way so that they get special treatment and special care. What a beautiful sentiment!

Let us know the art of polite conversation and become the statesmen of language and words. Let us be known for the crispness and preciseness of our speech. A speech so clear and with so much clarity that it leaves no one I repeat no one with the least doubt about the content of the message.