Revisiting Maslow’s theory!

A successful business man was visiting his ancestral home. On the way to the village he saw a man idling on the Charpai (A homely bed that is very popular in Indian villages). The villager was smoking a bidi (a filter less cigarette). The villager looked very dreamy.

Taking pity on the villager the businessman wanted to impress upon him the famous Maslow’s theory of motivation.

He said “Hello”

The villager looked at the businessman and nodded his head

“What have you studied?”

“Nothing”

“Why don’t you study?”

“What will I get if I study?”

You can pass your tenth class”

“What will I get if I pass my tenth class?”

The business man was irritated but continued to answer the villager. The told the villager that he could pass intermediate (12^th grade), get a degree and a post graduate degree in Management. He told him that the Post graduate degree could land him (the villager) a good job.

Business man “with that job you can earn a lot”

“After earning a lot of money what should I do?”

The Business man was getting rattled “You can earn more money”

“After earning more money what should I do?”

“You could get married to a very pretty girl”

“After marrying a very pretty girl what should I do?”

The desperate businessman babbled “You can buy a car”

“After buying a car what should I do?”

“You could buy a house”

“After buying a house what should I do?”

“You can buy a second house” shouted the exasperated businessman

“After buying a second house what should I do?”

“You idiot” roared the business man “you could buy a farm house in a village”

“After buying farm house in a village what should I do?”

“You obstinate fool” the business man was now shouting at the top of his voice “ You can have a nice farm house, you can breed cows and poultry. You can relax, sleep on a Charpai, look at the stars and enjoy your success with a smoke”

“THAT’S WHAT I AM doing right now, Why should I do all the above and take so much pain and efforts if I have to the same thing 20 years later!"

The placid villager had already reached the stage of self actualization and taught the smart aleck city bred business man a lesson that he would never forget – that some things basic in life should not be sacrificed at the altar of materialistic success. 

Generation Gap!

One day my nephew was bemoaning the fact that they had only one car. He was saying it was not fair. I was lecturing my nephew about the fact that his generation should consider themselves lucky that they are going to the school in a car/auto/motorcycle. I told him “you are lucky, we had no option at all. We had to take the public transport and at times had to walk both to school and back to home". 

My father who was listening to the conversation piped in. He told me "your generations should consider yourself very lucky. My school was 8 kilometers away and every day I walked all the way to the school and back to the home. And I had no foot wear. My first foot wear was bought when I was doing intermediate (11th)". 

The travails of three generation of school going children were apparent in the gasps of amazement given out by me and my nephew. 

Thai English

I had taken a group of students to Bangkok. The guide was impressing the student about the precautions that they should be taking when they are going out in the night. He told them to be careful and to be good boys. The parting shot of the guide was “get lady in the room by 8 in the evening”. The students were immediately very inquisitive. Here is a guide who is telling them to get a lady and that too directly to their rooms! 

I asked the guide so to what he meant by his statement. He gave me a quixotic look and said “ It is very simple.  Well they can wash their face, change their dress and get leady for the evening meal”. Then it struck me the guide meant READY when he said LEADY. When he said Leady my students understood it as lady.

Some Thai people have difficulty to pronouncing the r r r sound. So READY becomes leady and Camera becomes Camela.  As soon as the bus stopped my students would sing “take care of the Camela and get lady to leave in another one hour”. The Thai guide took the good natured ribbing in his stride and started to converse in bits and pieces of Hindi by the time our tour got concluded. Talk of the mixing of the cultures and of languages. The students taught his to sing the latest Hindi film songs.  

Osmania university and any other university, one ticket and no ticket at all

I have studied in Osmania University. I have heard many jokes extolling the virtues of being a student from a university that is 100 years old. Here are two of them. 

1. Two university students were in a rest room. One of them was from Osmania University and the other is from X university. The students were at the wash basin. The X university student cleaned his hands liberally and said “We students from X university always clean our hand after pissing".

The Osmania University student coolly looked on and remarked “We Osmania university students do not piss in our hands" 

2. A group of Osmania University was traveling to Goa on an industrial visit. They discovered that X university student group was also traveling in the same compartment. X University students discovered that the entire set of Osmania University had a single ticket among them.

X University students were totally convinced that the Osmania University students would be caught and taken off the train. Osmania University students rushed off to the toilet the minute they saw the ticket checker. 

The ticket checker stopped at the toilet, knocked on the door and said "ticket please?" One hand shot out and showed ONE TICKET.  This trickery was noticed by X University students.

On the return journey X University students bought one ticket and the Osmania University students did not buy any. This time the X University students were sure that that the Osmania University students would be caught this time. 

The minute the TC (Ticket collector stating checking tickets both the University students rushed to the toilets. X University students locked themselves in one of the toilet and the Osmania University students locked themselves in the opposite toilet. 

One Osmania University student emerged of of their toilet, knocked on the opposite toilet (the toilet having the students of X university) and said “TICKET PLEASE?"

 

GAME, SET and MATCH - Marketing Professor

A marketing professor was conducting a test. This test was one of the tests that is tough and students had trooped in with long faces. Their worst fears had come true. The examination was tough. 

The grim-faced professor was pacing the hall. He suddenly spotted a laggard (student coming late) "Hello my friend" he said, "why are you late".   

"Well sir" the student replied haltingly "I started out early but my car had a flat (punctured tyre). By the time I fixed the flat the exam had already started". The professor did not like the answer but allowed the student to come in but he was not allowed to write the examination.

To the professor's surprise, three more students trooped in after 5 minutes. On enquiry, they said they were travelling in the same car and that was the reason for their delay. The professor said, " I am very sorry that you have missed the examination. You can take the make-up tomorrow".

The four students were jubilant. They had just done the impossible. They pulled wool (fooled) over the toughest professor. Gloating about their victory they went home and prepared well for the next day’s examination.

The following day the four students went to the examination hall. They were met by the smiling professor who handed over the question paper. The question paper had only two questions.

Question 1:     What are 4 Ps in marketing                                                    -    05 marks

Question 2:     Which tyre got punctuated yesterday (tick the right answer) –  95 marks

a)                  Front tyre       (right side)

b)                 Front tyre       (left side)

c)                  Rear tyre        (right side)

d)                 Rear tyre        (left side)

GAME, SET and MATCH for the marketing professor.

Indian Restuarant

Going to USA is a thing that excites and frightens lots of Indians. It is proverbial Mecca of opportunities but most Indians are worried about the so called bohemian life style, the eating habits and the fact paced life. 

A suddh (ultra pure) Brahmin boy had gone to the USA to do his MS. This boy came from a family of Acharyas (a sect of pujaris who are the temple Brahmins). These Brahmins are very particular about madi (a ritual where the food is prepared after taking a bath and the lady of the house will not touch anyone when she is preparing the food).

The poor boy’s worst night mares came true. He was suffering as there is nothing that is pure vegetarian in the USA. Even vegetarian noodles will have a omlette on the top. Our boy was suffering. He was surviving on bread alone. One day he was travelling by the Greyhound bus and he saw a sign that made his heart sing. The sign said “Indian restaurant”. The boy rushed in.

What he finds inside turned his insides out. The restaurant had a huge steak which was being roasted. The restaurant was full of Americans and had a fair sprinkling of Native Americans who were having beer and beef streak. The Brahmin boy almost fainted. He staggered out of the restaurant.

Later a friend of his at the university explained him what the sign meant. “Indian restaurant” means a restaurant that is managed by the Native Americans. The Native Americans are called Indians in USA. The Brahmin boy was confused as the local population is called Indians and the Native Americans are referred as red Indians. This created such confusion that the poor Brahmin almost gave up eating altogether.

Sambar meal

This incident was recited by Mr. Siraj Taher the President of Hyderabad Bird watchers society. Mr. Siraj Taher is an avid bird watcher and a wild life enthusiast. A relative of Siraj was visiting Hyderabad. He was tired of the vegetarian food that was being served to him. 

While he was travelling he found a sign ‘Sambar served here”. Excitedly our man goes inside and orders Sambar. The waiter was puzzled “what will you have the Sambar with?” “Oh only the Sambar, please” “But sir how can you have only Sambar? What about the main dish?” said the puzzled waiter. “Thanks you but I want only the Sambar”. The waiter went inside and bought a bowl full of Sambar (a sort of soup or watery dal that is consumed along with rice and idlis).

The bewildered relative of Siraj looked all around and said “where is the Sambar?” “Sir, this is Sambar”. “But I don’t see any meat pieces” “Why will you see meat? This is a pure vegetarian restaurant”

Intervention by knowledgeable people saved the day. The relative was thinking that Sambar meant the deer that is found in India. In the north India the deer are called Sambar and the poor man thought that the hotel was serving deer meat. The fact of the matter was the hotel has a sign which said “Idly and Sambar served here” but the idly part was not visible and that created the confusion.

Jokes on Indian advertisements and Brands

Bombay Dyeing?: One day a friend of mine questioned me “why is Bombay dying”. I launched into a class of sociology. I spoke about over population, the limited land mass and unchecked development. My bewildered friend snarled at me “because Gwalior is shooting”. The joke was on me Bombay Dyeing is a textile company in India and so is Gwalior suiting. He was punning on the fact that sales of Bombay Dyeing are down and those of Gwalior suiting are going up.  

Palmolive da Jawoob Nahi: A visitor to an echo cliff was conducting an experiment. He shouted Sakura and the echo came back Konica. Encouraged with the response he said Binaca and the echo came back – Cibaca (Konica and Cibaca are the changed names of the original brands Sakura and Binaca). The visibly excited visitor said “Palmolive”. There was no response. Why? One needs to know the advertisement of Palmolive to know the answer. 

Palmolive at that time was airing a commercial that featured the Indian cricket’s greatest player Kapil Dev. After using the shaving cream Kapil says in Punjabi “Palmolive da Jawoob Nani”. It means no answer to Palmolive. That is way the echo cliff dare not respond to the word Palmolive.

You just can’t beat a Bajaj: Once there was a boxing tournament being held. All the corporate honchos were facing up to each other. To every one’s surprise quite old Rahul Bajaj was scoring telling victories over his fit and young CEOs. One spectator not believing his eyes asked his neighbor as what could be the reason. “You just can’t beat a Bajaj” was the answer. Bajaj Automobile at that time was using the punch line ‘you just can’t beat a Bajaj’. 

Brooke Bond:  James Bond once proposed to Brooke Shields the film star. Even though James Bond was rich, handsome and sexy, Brooke Shields refused to marry James Bond. Why? she did not want to be called Brooke Bond (the brand of Coffee and Tea in India). 

Hindustan Lever:  What will you call a person who is leaving India forever? Hindustan Lever (Leaver). And what would you call a person who leaves India, but doesn't travel much?  Hindustan Lever Ltd. 

Last bogie of the train - Come again!:

One train traveler had a harrowing time. He was in the last bogie of the train. The last bogie ends up at the end of the platform and the travelers have to be  good sprinters to go to the middle of the platform and rush back before the train starts. In a fit of anger he wrote a letter to the railway minister “ Sir, please take care that the next time I book a ticket on the train, I should get a seat in a middle bogie. Even if it is the last bogie please see to it that it is in the middle of the train”. 

Poultry Owner - to feed or not to feed is the question?

One poultry owner had a visitor. The visitor enquired "what do you feed your hens?” The poultry owner wanted to impress the visitor and launched into a tirade “ I give them soya drink in the morning. They get piped in music. They get customized lunch and dinner. They also enjoy air conditioned comforts and the vet is just a call away”. The visitor nodded grimly “ if you are giving so much you must be making lot of money. I am from the Income tax department. You will have to pay a penalty of Rs 1,00,000/-”. The agitated owner had no choice but to pay the penalty.

One month later the poultry farmer had an another visitor. The process was repeated. On enquiry of the type of treatment, the owner said “ hey, I don’t feed them anything. They get lots of water from a tap and they wile away the time by fighting among themselves. And they never get a visit from  the vet. On death they carcasses are simply dumped into the garbage”. Shocked to the core the visitor said “well well I am from the SPCA (Society for prevention of cruelty towards animals). You are treating your birds very cruelly. You will have to a pay a fine of Rs 2,00,000/-”. The flabbergasted owner had again no choice but to pay the fine.

The next month the poultry has one more visitor. This time the owner was very careful. He took out a tooth pick from his mouth “ Well sir. You know how hens are. They are finicky eaters. Their taste differ. In the morning all the birds queue up in front of me. I hand them Rs 100/- each. They eat and drink whatever they fancy”.

Two mistakes - The tale of a salesman

A new salesman was regularly coming late to the office. Compounding the problem he was leaving early. His supervisor bore with him for two weeks. After two weeks the new salesman was questioned about his behavior. “How can you be late in the morning and leave early?”. “ I can’t be doing the same mistake twice a day” was the reply. Meaning that as it is he was coming late, that is the first mistake. He can’t be committing another mistake by going late. That is why the smartie was going early. 

Irritated by the cockiness of the salesman and to test his loyalty the Human resource department added Rs 500/- extra (more than what was promised) in his pay cheque. The salesman happily accepted the pay cheque and kept quiet. The next month the Human Resource department put Rs 500/- less in salesman's pay cheque .The salesman immediately complained.

The Human Resource manager called him to his office and said” Last month I had put Rs 500/- extra in your pay cheque. You never complained. Why is that you are complaining when I have put Rs 500/- less?”

"I can tolerate one mistake. But I can’t tolerate two mistakes” was the quick reply

More power of retorts

Keeping to the topic of retorts. Let us see more examples. 

A doctor had a mechanic visiting him. Doctor Says “get under the table I will examine you”. He was meaning as Mechanics have to get under the car to examine the cars, he (doctor) would do the same. The mechanic was made of sterner stuff. He smiled and said “Nice one, doctor. But is it nor easy to treat the same model from the time of Adam and Eve. We have to treat different models every year”.

The doctor neatly turned the tables on the Mechanic saying “That’s right but can you examine the car with the engine running? I am sure you can’t do that”. This effectively shut the mechanic up.

This one is attributed to Albert Einstein. I am not sure if it is true. But it is a great story. Albert Einstein was on a tour of England. He was delivering lectures on his theory of relativity. Einstein had the same car and cab driver who took him to various venues.

One day the cab driver said “sir, your lectures are becoming very monotonous. You always start by saying, ladies and gentleman I am Albert Einstein. I want to tell you about my new theory on relativity. You are becoming very predictable. I know your speech by heart. I can play your role very easily”. Einstein said “I agree. It is getting very monotonous. I got an idea. The next place where I am lecturing is a place where no one recognizes me. Why don’t we exchange places? You can play the role of Einstein and I will play the role of the cabbie”.  The cabbie agreed and they exchanged their dresses.

It was the venue of the lecture; Einstein stood at the door of the hall and admiringly watched the cabbie hold the floor very eloquently. The cabbie was in the flow and was lecturing the same way as Einstein. No one in the crowd had an iota of doubt about the identity of the speaker. Such was the power of the acting of the cabbie.

At the end of a lecture an elderly man stood up and said “Mr. Einstein, I should say an excellent lecture. I am wrestling with a complex mathematical problem for the last six months. Will you have a look at it? I am sure you can come out with the answer in a couple of weeks”.

Einstein now was really alarmed. “The show is up” he said to himself. But the cabbie was super smart. He picked up the paper that was given to him and gave it a cursory glance.  “Such a simple problem, my cab driver can solve it” saying this he gestured Einstein to come over. With a flourish he handed over the paper containing the problem to Einstein.

Einstein promptly solved the problem and gave it to the mathematician. The mathematician did not know what hit him. A problem that puzzled him for six months has been solved by Einstein’s driver!

More Management concepts

Hiding their head in the sand, like an ostrich:  When someone says “hiding their head in the sand, like an ostrich” what it means is that they are foolishly ignoring their problem, hoping it will magically vanish. The ostrich does many things, but hiding its head in the sand is not one of them. But this saying has become very popular.

The explanation is that when a danger is approaching the ostrich simply buries its head in the sand. It is as if the Ostrich is saying "as I have buried my head I can’t see the problem, the problem too can’t see me”. Take it with a pinch of salt but it should be remembered that problems should be faced head on and one should not run away from them.

Paper pushers: according to the definition a paper pusher is an office worker who works in an office and deals with forms and reports all day. One whose work is dull and without meaning. And some workers simply move all that paper from one place to another, pushing the paper from desktop to drawer and back again. Interestingly it means a person who busily rushes from one place to another in an organization carrying a paper. He appears to be very busy but hardly does any work.

Dry Promotion: Rise in status of a person but not pay.  A promotion that provides greater status or responsibility but does not involve an increase in pay. One way of satisfying a person is to offer a dry promotion. The person who gets is immediately happy but receives no financial incentives.

TV dinner:  A TV dinner (also called a frozen dinner, freezer meal, microwave meal, or ready meal) is a prepackaged frozen or chilled meal which usually comes in an individual package. It requires very little preparation and contains all the elements for a single-serving meal.

The term TV dinner is a trademark originally used for a brand of packaged meal developed in 1953 for C.A. Swanson & Sons. (The name in full was TV Brand Frozen Dinner.) In the United States, the term is now synonymous with any prepackaged dinner purchased frozen in a supermarket and heated at home, although Swanson stopped using the name "TV Dinner" in 1962.

The original TV dinner came in an aluminum tray and was heated in an oven. Most frozen food trays are now made of microwaveable material, usually plastic. TV dinner is a lazy person’s dream come true. He can simply come home and heat up a dinner. By the time he changes his clothes the dinner is ready. The name TV dinner has been coined to effectively remind how fast the meal can be prepared. The meal can be made hot and piping before the commercial breaks are finished.

The Power of a retort - Winston Churchill

Elmer Wheeler once said “words are like bullets once fired they can’t be retrieved”. Many times someone could make a comment or a snide remark that would make others laugh at us. How do we turn the tables on the other person and make him look like a bigger fool?  That is the power of a retort. Let’s see some examples. 

Winston Churchill – the Prime minister of England was a short and fat man. But his word was razor sharp. Once Churchill and his friend were walking on the sidewalk. They reached a spot where only one person could pass. Trying to hurry, Churchill's friend said “I do not allow fools to pass me” To which Churchill responded saying “I do” and gave way to his friend.

A friend of Churchill had a build exactly opposite to that of Churchill. He was thin and very tall. Seeing his scrawny frame Churchill remarked “My friend, you are so lean. Looking at you any one would think that England is facing a famine!”  Looking at more than generously endowed Churchill his friend remarked “looking at you that person will know why England is facing a famine”. For once Churchill was speech less.

There was a lady politician who opposed Churchill tooth and claw. Once at an end of an animated argument she said “Mr. Churchill I neither like your politics nor your lip”. The entire parliament roared in laughter. Churchill responded “Let me assure you madam neither of them will bother you in any way. Now or ever”.

The same lady once exasperated with Churchill burst out saying “Mr. Churchill. If you were my husband I would poison your coffee”. “Madam if you were my wife, knowing that there is poison in the coffee, I would drink it” was the ready repartee that Churchill gave.

Churchill was giving a roaring speech. But unfortunately it was in an area where his party was not very much liked. He was being bothered by a heckler. Irritated by the antics of the heckler, Churchill shouted “You are fit for the slums”. The heckler stood up and said “Mr. Prime minister you can’t say that. Take it back”. Churchill said “You are right. I take back my words. You are not even fit for the slums’. The heckler watched with his mouth open as the tables were deftly turned on him.

Once when he was giving a speech a cabbage came whistling towards Churchill. He adroitly dodged it and said “It looks as if the opposition leader has just lost his head”. Churchill once very famously said “You can bear a manly man, you can bear womanly women but you can’t bear a boily boy”.

 

A friend of the first President of USA George Washington saw the president polishing his own shoes. Shocked by the sight the friend asked “Mr. President do you polish your own shoes?” To which Washington responded by saying “Yes I do polish my own shoes, whose shoes do you polish?”

Business Sense – George Washington and the Shoe lace boy

The first president of USA George Washington was a very kind man. Near his office he used to see a very young boy selling shoe laces at 25 cents. Taking pity on the young man he started giving the boy 25 cents but never picked up  the shoe laces.

This went on for a very long time. One day after depositing the customary 25 cents the president started walking away. A voice stopped him in his tracks. It was the young boy. They boy said “Mr. President, I hate to tell you but the cost of the shoe laces have gone up by 25 cents. From today onwards the shoe laces will cost you 50 cents”. George Washington was too stunned to say anything.

Moral of the story: You pay the value for an exchange. It is up to you to pick up the product or utilize the service. Just because you are not utilizing the product or the service does not mean that you can pay a part of the price. Whether you use it or not full price has to be paid.

Ending on the winning side always!

There is always emphasis in management to be on the winning side. The process is not as important as winning. This is where the Japanese and the Western ethos differ. The Japanese always believe that the process is more important if not more than the winning itself. For example the process of making tea in Japan takes a whooping two hours and the side show is the process of drinking it. 

Some ways by which you can always win at any cost.

1. You could ask the other person “There is a cat in front of a cat and there is a cat at the back of the cat. Tell me how many cats are there?” If the other person says three cats, you can say two and if he says two you can say three!
2. You could ask “How many legs does a Donkey and its offspring have?” If the answer is eight say laughingly “Donkey (that is you) and your son will have four legs”. If the other person says four legs, say innocently “I never meant you. Donkey will have four legs and its son will have four. So the total is eight”
3. But in some case this type of strategy will back fire. A teacher pointed a stick at an errant student and said “at the end of the stick is the biggest fool in the world”. The student very innocently said “which end sir?”