Hyderabadi Es-style - English

Hyderabad is a city where predominantly Telugu and Urdu are mostly spoken but strangely there is a fascination for using English. This leads to many funny situations. Some of them are listed. 

An apartment block had a tenth pass watchman. The apartment block was being harassed by unwanted salesmen. The apartment owners asked the English educated watchman to put up a notice. He put up a notice “No Sales, Men allowed”.  He was severely reprimanded and finally he corrected the sign as “Salesmen not allowed”. A disgruntled Salesman rubbed some of the letters off selectively to make the sign read “Salesmen loved”

Most hospitals have many sisters (nurses as they are popularly called in India). They sometimes fill up the preliminary case sheet. One sister made this report “Patient has one small son at home. So she wants to remove her stomach”. On enquiry the real story come out. The patient had a small baby at home. She was pregnant and wanted to abort the baby as she feared that she could not manage two kids. She wanted an abortion. An abortion was reported as removing of stomach aka stomach stapling a completely different procedure for a completely different ailment.

Another sister made out this gem” Patient complaining of pain. Wants an abortion. Mother-in-law can’t see”. The doctor asked the nurse “I can understand the patient’s problem. But why don’t we refer the Mother-in-law to an Ophthalmologist?” The nurse sheepishly answered “Nahi doctor madam, the mother-in-law can’t bear seeing the pain of her daughter-in-law. There is nothing wrong with her eyes”

A small sugar cane juice seller put up a sign. Amitabh – 5 rupees and Jaya Bhaduri – Rs 2.50. What he meant was big glass – 5 rupees and small glass – Rs 2.50. For the uninitiated Amitabh Bachaan the superstar of India is very tall and his wife Jaya Bhaduri also an actor – is small and petite.  

Small time motor cycle mechanics in Hyderabad would be seen shouting “Areh Chotu bring me the 2-3 panna”. Panna? Panna is the Hyderabadi word for Spanner.

As a child I remember going to a stationery shop and asking for a sharpener. The shop keeper was puzzled. Luckily for me I could spot a sharpener and pointed it out to him. He said “Aare babu woh tho Chakmaar hai – (translated it means – that is a Chakmaar)” and gave me a Hyderabadi sharpener (Chakmaar)

My mother’s friend was taking a new type of medication. My mother enquired “is it Homeopathy that you are taking?” Her friend promptly said “No Hemalatha garu not Homeopathy, I am taking Ompathy” (Ompathy – Oh my god! What a name for Homeopathy).

A newly minted doctor asked for a new sign. What the sign maker gave him almost killed him. The sigh said “Dr So and So The Rapist”. The doctor was a Therapist!

Children in Hyderabad play a hide and seek game where the catcher sings out “Iceboy” when he sees a hidden friend. “Iceboy" is the Hyderabadi equivalent for the game "I saw a boy”.

The common way of talking to each other in Hyderabad would be to say “I say you” and “what say you” This is what the Queen ’s English has become in Hyderabad. (I told you and you told me for the grammatically inclined readers).

One of my BIFAAS student from second shift Mr. Bharat came out with an interesting word of his own. He said that the popular word for eraser was lubber (rubber). Very funny.

Also it is quite common to hear customers shouting out “I need a chilling cold drink” in a hotel. What the customer wants is a chilled cold drink. Chilling is a process and chilled is the end result!

Hyderabad is known for its big mandis (huge whole sale markets). Fruit sellers sell fruits in small hundreds and big hundreds. A small hundred (chinna Vanda) is 96 mangoes like in the case of a hundred page note book and big hundred (peddha Vanda) is 192 mangoes like in the case of a 200 page note book.

Similarly a baker’s dozen is not 12 it is 13. In the by gone era when a customer buys a dozen loaves of bread one loaf of bread is given extra as a bonus. Very confusing.

Many of the TV anchors and experts are seen saying “Both of you all danced very well” – Both of you should be used and not both of you all. 

More Funny signs!

Driving: Driving involves lots of risk and the traffic enforcers have come out with signs that are very thought provoking. “Drive drive like hell, you will soon be there”. Very crisp and lucidly said.

The next one is even better. “it is better to be called Mr. Late than being called late Mr.” If one comes late to the office, his colleagues might call him Mr. Late Lateef, Mr. Late Lateef. It is better to be teased this way rather than being called Late Mr.  After death one is referred to as Mr. Late so and so.

Ice-cream: Children love Ice-cream. A ice cream parlor put up a sign “ I scream for ice cream, you scream for ice-cream,  all scream for ice-cream”. True, scream for your ice-cream.  

Keep your eyes on the curves: Driving on the mountainous roads can be a big challenge. This sigh lights up the drivers “Keep your eyes on the curves”.  

Hair cutting saloon: Our colony where I grew up had a small hair cutting salon. It had put up a new sigh. “Heir cutting Saloon -  ladies and gents”. The patrons had a laugh and  told the owner that he is not allowed to hurt any heirs (property owners). He got is corrected and the sigh said “Hare cutting saloon -  ladies and gents”. This time the patrons had a bigger laugh. They told the bemused owner that he became a meat seller. The owner got it corrected and the sign read “Hair cutting salon for Ladies and giants”. At this point the patrons left the sigh alone. There was no point as they were afraid as what could be thrown up the next time.

 Sweet meat shop: Same way a sweet shop had a sign “Sweet meet shop”. A meeting place for lovers?.On correction it read “Sweat meet shop”. A new gymnasium? Finally it was corrected and the sign proudly proclaimed “Sweet meat shop”.  

Fresh fish sold here:  A butcher has a sign put up “Fresh Fish sold here” A customer complainingly said “obviously you sell only Fresh fish. You can remove Fresh from the sign”.  The well meaning butcher had it the correction done and the sign said “fish sold here”.

Another customer put up her nose and said with a sneer “You are selling fish here and not shares and stocks. No need of the word Fish”. The perplexed butcher complied and the sign became “sold here” that evening a young man said “look dude you are selling and not buying anything. According to me the words sold is redundant. The terribly harassed butcher did it and the sign said “HERE”. A passing customer who was holding his nose said “your shop stinks so much that there is no need to tell us that you are selling something here. You don’t even need the word here”.

The next day the painter presented the butcher with a board that left the butcher gaping. The sign board was completely blank. It was clean as a sheet.

Hey Ram - Funny Signs!

Sala Thai: A Sala also known as a Sala Thai is an open pavilion used as a meeting place and to protect people from sun and rain. Most are open on all four sides. They are found throughout Thailand in Buddhist temple areas or Wats although they can also be located in other places.  Most Indians find this sign very amusing as Sala in Hindi means a bother-in-law and is used in a defamatory way of addressing someone else.

John Tailors: Signs are everywhere.  We are so used to signs that we tend to ignore them. But reading of signs especially commercial signs can be great fun and a very rewarding experience. One sign my father told me was really great. It was a sign of a famous tailor. He very proudly exclaimed “God made Man. We made him a gentleman”. Very true in a world that measures people by what they wear, this sign rings very true.

On a visit of a small eatery I found so many mistakes in the menu card hung on a wall that I clicked a snap in my cell phone. The mistakes are so funny. They are listed below

The Menu card says snaks instead of Snacks

The shop sells Paneer Pups (small baby dogs), I think the shop means Paneer Puffs

They also have cury pups and Cheez pups – instead of Curry Puffs and Cheese puffs

You could eat Pija instead of the traditional Pizza

They serve you Paws (dog feet). I think the vegetarian hotel means Pau or local Indian bread

Yes they serve bred- no well bred but Bread and also bred garlick  oops that is bread garlic

Hey have Gobi Cheez in High resolution – Not an electronic shop that is Gobi Cheese Hot dog

They also have veg tanduri – Well actually it is veg tandoori

They serve buter paneer – that is butter panner for you

Hey also serve bred sendwich – exotic dish absolutely non no – That is bread sandwich

Hey Ram:  On a visit of Varanasi one is filled with holy spirit and feeling of awe and exhilaration. But a sigh that was on the wall enlightened us and brought a smile on our face. It said Sri Ram, Jay Ram, Jay Ram. What followed was very amusing – Enjoy Ram. Enjoy Ram that was a big stumper. Enjoy.

Charvi passion: I and my brother-in-law were driving and this sigh was pointed out to me by Sai. It said Charvi passion. Charvi Passion, initially I thought it was a Malayalam movie. But what was written below the sign made things very clear. It was Charvi passion and I was a ladies boutique. The problem of fashion becoming the passion of the painter.  

Crocodile Park: Jim Corbett National park in Uttar Pradesh India is a wild life enthusiasts dream come true. The national park is known for its wild life including the sighting of the Bengal Tiger. Jim Corbett Park has a crocodile park with a sign. “Trespassers will be eaten. If found alive they will be prosecuted”. Talk about double jeopardy.